An exploration of the "Fuckin Gobbos" - 22/04/20

I 'eard tales of a bunch o' fookin' Gobbos out past the wall, so I gathered a crew willing ta go out and find 'em. One o' the blighters was twice me height, bigger'an any orc I've ever laid my eyes on. Weird fella, kept talking to his sword. Not quite as weird as the oversized turtle though, bugger kept popping back into 'is shell every time a monster poked its 'ead out. Anyways, directly outside the gates was an open wasteland it was! A few miles out was a wall of the eeriest trees you ever done did set your eyes on. We made our way to the swamp, the five o' us, and followed the windin' road in a bit 'fore it veered off to the nor'west. Aftah that, we trudged through the swamp with the biggun leadin' the way with 'is stick to check the depth o' the marsh. Aftah a bit, we came across the strangest o' sights! A woman, frozen solid as a slab of crystal I never done seen in me 'ole life explorin' n' minin' the underground caverns o' me kin. We spent a wee bit o' time proddin' aroun' the place, but nottin' 'appened until we stepped closer, but before we coulda touched the damned thing, it fookin' 'sploded erreywhere and crumbled before our very eyes. I know I hadn't been drinking yet, so it couldn'ta been the booze, but before we could react, the wind swept all the dust away!

Aftah a wee bit more time, the gangly elf lassie baited in some animals to the spot ta test if it was the location that caused the crystal magicky shite. Unfortunately, 'stead o'a squirrel o'a rabbit or what have you, the fooker brought in some giant snail monstrosities, all covered in bark n' bone and what 'ave you 'stead o' a shell. Creepy bludgers for a creepy swamp I say, anyway they came at us, and we baited one to step into the circle-thingy. Nottin' 'appened, so we went to plan b and I bashed the closest one wit me 'ammer. O' course, these fookers being the creepy bastards they is couldn't just take a good bashing like 'onest folks. 'Stead, me 'ammer got stuck to its shell, and the fooker tried to run off wit me 'ammer so I punched it--and o' course me gauntlet got stuck in it too, dinnit? So the fooker dragged me through the swamp not less than thirty meters 'fore the rest o' the group managed to put 'er down. And again, this damned beastie jus' 'ad to 'ave the last word in and it 'sploded errywhere too, 'urtin' erryone 'round 'im.

So then we took a rest 'fore 'eadin' back out to those fookin' Gobbos' camp. We came cross some smoke in the air, so we sent the sneaky elf lassie n' the short lassie on a'ead. Blighters did some magick shite to tell us the fookin' Gobbos 'ad been put to the ax by a bunch o' toads, so ol' Bardrin figured job was done. Course, the others wanted a bit o' loot or sometin' for their time, so we decided to bait a frog man seein' as there was so many n' all. Oh, an' one o' 'em 'ad a big maul, something special 'bout that one. Anyways, none o' us knew much 'bout any frog men, not even the turtle (might be lyin'), so we 'ad a bit o' a conundrum on 'ow to lure one in. 'Ventually, the small lassie 'ad an idea to be a woman frog man y'see? N' bait it in that way. Course, we dinnit 'xactly know what a woman frog man looked like. Anywho, she made 'erself look like a bigger one o' the fools, and managed to lure one into us. 'Cept, the turtle feller tried sneakin' round it, and tripped o'er a root and spooked the bloody thing, so the wee lassie 'ad to try and subdue it on 'er own till we could catch up. I 'it it wit me 'ammer and took the wind outta it's lungs while the others tied it's arms up nicely, but we realized we dinnit 'ave no way to silence the fooker, so the lassie took off 'er shirt (still lookin' like a toad mind you), and stuffed it down its throat she did. Smart thinkin' that one, but anyway, we put the real frog man on a stick n' we carried 'im back to town, me n' the giant one, and we'll interrogate it in the 'morrow.